And you're the only one who knows
Sep. 20th, 2012 10:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shiwonsbitchSomething in the bitter air kept him warm, no matter how hard the wind bit his skin. People passing by shivered and pulled their coats tighter around them. His own coat hung across his shoulders, having not bothered to fully pull it on in his rush outside.
His eyes closed. He took a deep breath. His heart raced as he let the memories wash over him, tickling his senses; the sound of laughter that pulled at the edges of his mouth, the smell of fresh food brought back from the market, the taste of lips upon his own, the look of eyes filled with passion when speaking.
The relationship had gone better than expected. Not that he had expected it to go badly, he just hadn’t planned on it going well. The initial awkwardness was anticipated, alongside the occasional silence, the frequent doubt, the grasping at every moment as if minds could and would change at any second. He couldn’t have possibly believed it to be possible to feel warmth in between those moments. To feel completely, honestly loved was so fully out of reach in his imagination that he could barely accept it in reality.
He still couldn’t. Why should he? The good things in life were too often too good to be true, the negative being so frequent that any glimmer of optimism could lead to digging too deep into it, preparing his heart for the inevitable shattering. And he was sure it would be inevitable. Maybe the timing had been right that day. Maybe they caught each other at a time when they were too lonely to be kept apart. Maybe when they’d had their fill of love, they’d part. Not permanently, that would never be the case, but the string holding them together would surely be hacked at until only a thin thread remained.
He knew that, even though both of them would treasure that thread until their last days, neither of them would chance the pressure of making it snap.
The warmth drained from him at the thought. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest as he finally opened his eyes and turned his attention to the sunset, vibrant and lovely and so very temporary. He watched the sky go from purples and reds and oranges to a dull gray, and finally to black.
An arm wrapped around him from behind, a chin perched gently on his shoulder. He couldn’t keep from smiling at the touch.
“Junhee, you’re going to get sick,” said Yoonjae. “Come back inside, I’ve missed you.”
“Really?”
“Of course.” He wrapped his arm around Junhee’s waist, holding him tighter. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Because I love you, Junhee wanted to say. Because there is no way I’m lucky enough for this to last. Because you don’t comprehend exactly how much you have me and how terrifying that can be.
Or maybe, just maybe, he should tear down the walls and give him the benefit of the doubt.
“No reason,” he finally responded as he turned around to face Yoonjae. He gave him a quick kiss as he returned the embrace. Yoonjae rolled his eyes.
“Just get back inside and stop forgetting I love you. Come on, it’s a lot warmer there.”
Junhee would argue otherwise. There wasn’t anywhere warmer than in Yoonjae’s arms at that moment.
Doubts were part of human nature. He couldn’t make them go away overnight. Likewise, love could be a stronger force – one that he knew he wouldn’t let go of in those moments when the doubt passed.
His eyes closed. He took a deep breath. His heart raced as he let the memories wash over him, tickling his senses; the sound of laughter that pulled at the edges of his mouth, the smell of fresh food brought back from the market, the taste of lips upon his own, the look of eyes filled with passion when speaking.
The relationship had gone better than expected. Not that he had expected it to go badly, he just hadn’t planned on it going well. The initial awkwardness was anticipated, alongside the occasional silence, the frequent doubt, the grasping at every moment as if minds could and would change at any second. He couldn’t have possibly believed it to be possible to feel warmth in between those moments. To feel completely, honestly loved was so fully out of reach in his imagination that he could barely accept it in reality.
He still couldn’t. Why should he? The good things in life were too often too good to be true, the negative being so frequent that any glimmer of optimism could lead to digging too deep into it, preparing his heart for the inevitable shattering. And he was sure it would be inevitable. Maybe the timing had been right that day. Maybe they caught each other at a time when they were too lonely to be kept apart. Maybe when they’d had their fill of love, they’d part. Not permanently, that would never be the case, but the string holding them together would surely be hacked at until only a thin thread remained.
He knew that, even though both of them would treasure that thread until their last days, neither of them would chance the pressure of making it snap.
The warmth drained from him at the thought. He crossed his arms tightly across his chest as he finally opened his eyes and turned his attention to the sunset, vibrant and lovely and so very temporary. He watched the sky go from purples and reds and oranges to a dull gray, and finally to black.
An arm wrapped around him from behind, a chin perched gently on his shoulder. He couldn’t keep from smiling at the touch.
“Junhee, you’re going to get sick,” said Yoonjae. “Come back inside, I’ve missed you.”
“Really?”
“Of course.” He wrapped his arm around Junhee’s waist, holding him tighter. “Why wouldn’t I?”
Because I love you, Junhee wanted to say. Because there is no way I’m lucky enough for this to last. Because you don’t comprehend exactly how much you have me and how terrifying that can be.
Or maybe, just maybe, he should tear down the walls and give him the benefit of the doubt.
“No reason,” he finally responded as he turned around to face Yoonjae. He gave him a quick kiss as he returned the embrace. Yoonjae rolled his eyes.
“Just get back inside and stop forgetting I love you. Come on, it’s a lot warmer there.”
Junhee would argue otherwise. There wasn’t anywhere warmer than in Yoonjae’s arms at that moment.
Doubts were part of human nature. He couldn’t make them go away overnight. Likewise, love could be a stronger force – one that he knew he wouldn’t let go of in those moments when the doubt passed.
